…and he’s messing a LOT with my head. I never intended to go for a guy like him but he had a way with his words and his actions…. and naturally, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It’s funny, but the thought of him makes me feel more alive. He makes me want to try a broader sense of life. He makes me better. He doesn’t make me worse. He makes me try to be more ‘me’.

We might have started on the wrong foot but it really doesn’t matter. But I have to say that what’s making me feel numb and empty for the past days is that even if he’s going to come back to Manila to see me, like in a month’s time, the fact that he would have to leave the country still remains. He’s not from around here. And that sucks. A long distance relationship is tempting me but I wouldn’t try that. I don’t know if it’s just wishful thinking but I think this could turn out into something good. We’ll just have to wait and see. But damn. Come on, life, why do all the good ones have to be far away from me?

Now I’ve been saying this a lot but no, this ain’t love. It’s leading to that, but right now, it just isn’t for me. Love is too much of a strong word and I don’t want to use that yet.  I guess I just need someone like him—I’m not lonely; I just want his company, his presence, his stories, his laughter, and… just. Him. So what I have for him right now, I’m not so sure. But yes…

He’s all I ever think about.

Just had a long, tiring, but AWESOME day!! I didn’t drown, I didn’t have to wear a life vest, and I’m still alive! LOL Bottom line is: surfing is so freaking fun! I like riding the waves! I’ve managed to stand on my board several times and my instructor was nice and good! I also like watching the more experienced ones. They could really ride a mean big wave! Haha!

A funny thing happened though, because while waiting for a good wave, I told my instructor to let me ride it without him guiding me. LOL WELL WHO’S THE COCKY BITCH hahahaha and when he did, this big assed wave came in and freaking hell, I turned around, a full 360!!! Haha! But it was great! XD

Anyway, I’m so dead tired now. We’ll go surfing again tomorrow morning, but for tonight, it’s going to be booze and beats!

I know that there are those kinds of people who could jump in from one relationship to the next. There might have been sensible reasons why they did what they did and why they seem to be in such a rush, but most of the time I’d wonder… Did they even took the time to actually give their selves a time out?

I mean, love is a wonderful thing. I know that. But to constantly change partners in such a short span of time? …Sounds exhausting. It’s like, they haven’t even took the time to actually think about what happened, what they’ve done, what they’re doing, and what they’e about to go into. They just go… BAM! Hello to you, new boyfriend/girlfriend!

It’s common knowledge that most of these people just rush in to fill a void, to cure the numb feeling. Whatever works. But it’s just such a pity.

Turn the tables around—and there you’ll have those people who couldn’t find their way back into love. (*cue in Hugh Grant’s song here LOL*) Err… Haha! The overly  cautious ones. And well, it’s actually how I am right now. XD

Don’t get me wrong though. I’m all for love, really, and I’m willing to fall in love all over again—besides, I believe that I’m actually ready for a new guy. I’m even dating and meeting these really great and new people. But often times, even if I know that it could turn into a good thing, things would just keep on boiling right up to my face that I’d suddenly be at a loss. I’d lose direction.

It’s fucking complicated but it’s like everything gets so blurry and I’d realize that it would either be because I was still fearing the notion of love or I just don’t know what love really is anymore. Why do I fear…? Because I don’t want to get lost again—I don’t want to turn into a scary version of myself. I can’t find it in myself to just let go anymore. I don’t know. And it sucks because there’s this wonderful guy who could really turn into someone great for me. But I really, really, just don’t know… I just don’t know anymore. It’s like I’m sucked dry from giving my all for love. I’m just in it for the fun, so when things get serious… I backfire.

Yes, love… Once again. I’m falling out.

So our surfing trip in Baler will finally push through next week. (It should! Since we’ve already booked! …Or have we not? But whatever! No more moving for this one! I won’t allow it!)

And as it is going to push through, can I just mention that I don’t know how to swim? …Yeah.

I’m gonna die.

LOL. Well okay, they say I can ride the waves in shallow water or something? I’m not sure. But when they told me that, all I had in my mind was that “That wouldn’t be enough.”

I really wanted to kick myself right now for not taking the time to have some swimming lessons before.

I’ve read online though that I could wear a life jacket. But that would be so… uncool. LOL I KNOW OKAY, LOOKING UNCOOL vs MY LIFE THEN SURELY I’D PICK LIFE, BUT DAMN SON!!! SURFING WITH A LIFE JACKET ON? THAT’S NOT HOW I IMAGINED MYSELF SURFING. JUST. NO.

And besides, even with a life jacket on, they said that it’s kind of important to know how to really swim swim especially if the tide pulls me in. Or something. (WOW WHY AM I EVEN GOING TO THIS TRIP.)

Nonetheless. I don’t know much about surfing yet. Hence this trip. Just to try it out. But some of our companions are already good at it—and they all look like fried potatoes and dark entities. LOLJK.

I guess I’ll just have to see next week. Maybe my instructor could offer quick swimming lessons. (Or just not let me surf. Oh hell no.)

I still can’t get over last weekend’s events! You know those times when you try to recall all the wonderful things that someone has done to you? Because they were great and wonderful memories? Like you don’t want to forget them? And by remembering those, you get all giddy and smitten, and you just can’t seem to stop thinking about it!?

Well that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling! It’s not exactly related to love though… It can be. But I’d like to think not. I mean, just… no. Err. Whatever. But anyway… Haha! Sometimes, certain scenes would pop into my mind and I’ll be all, “Oh yeaaaaah. That happened too!”  And I get all fuzzy inside again. ♥

I was riding the shuttle to work and after using my phone, I laid it on my lap—aaaand that was my last memory. LOL. Really. it was only when I reached my desk did I panic because I swear, from the ride and up into the elevator—my mind was in a total blank state. So it only registered to me later on that I dropped my phone.

Realizing that, I immediately went down to the reception and called for security to contact our shuttle service. They told me to wait, so I did, and these were the thoughts that were running to my mind that time while I was sitting in the lobby:

Holyshit I’m the most stupid person.

……..But well… No… It’s alright if it has ended like this. It’s actually really okay if I loose that phone. That was just something that I won in a contest anyway…..

OH WAIT…. OH NO. OH HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s still a freaking Blackberry for fuck’s sake! If it was going to lose it like this, I should have just sold it like what I originally planned to! Yes. I should’ve! So instead of having no phone, I’d have 30K bucks! Well not really bucks, but yeah. OMG I’M SO STUPID!

How can I just space out like that? It’s ridiculous to lose a phone that’s as big assed as that! What am I going to do nooooooooow….???? I already gave my old phone to my sister. I can’t just ask for that back. 

Well I can buy a new phone actually… BUT I’M FUCKING BROKE. OH GOD, I hope the driver sees that and gives it back to me already. I know we have nice drivers. I know that. OH SHIT HE HAS TO BE NICE OR ELSE! I swear, if he took my phone, I’d bring things to court. But then again I’m broke ….What the hell am I saying….?

Or wait. What if my seatmate took that phone?? Oh she shouldn’t! She has her name on that log list and I will search for her like mad and I’d even scour her bag and even her whole desk if that would lead me to my phone! EVERY NOOK AND CRANY! …But that’s too savage of me. I can’t do that. I won’t.

Ugggggh. I knew it. I should’ve just sold that phone. I’m not much of a gadget person anyway.

HOLYSHIT. I’m just so stupid. 

Well yeah… That’s how I panic. But the receptionist jokingly told me: “For someone who has lost such an expensive phone, you’re too calm, ma’am.” Ohhhhh, if only she knew the thoughts in my head!

But anyway, I am forever thankful! Because the shuttle driver found my phone and brought it back to me. ♥ Instant pogi points ka sakin Kuya! LOL! And thumbs up to our security department, they were prompt. Really prompt.

If I didn’t have people to support, I wouldn’t bother working and trying this hard… because in reality, I’m not that greedy with money. I can live simply—I enjoy that, besides I’m actually not much of a materialistic person. I really don’t give much shit for the worldly pleasures. As long as I have my basic needs then I’m fine.

And well, I did say that I like to travel, and sure enough, that entails money—so I know that I’m contradicting myself here, but the difference is that, for this… I can wait… and I can work for it in time, because there’s no pressure. I’d have the patience to save a fund for it over the years… But seeing as how my situation is right now, it’s different, I need to rush myself. I need to work hard.

Now I’m not posting this because I need pity—I need none of that. I’m just posting this because it has just been burning me out… yet if I think about it well enough, I don’t mind working this hard as long as I get to make those people happy because I do find great joy in giving. But I’m just hoping that this wouldn’t go on for the rest of my life… I’m only human, and I can tire out really quick.

Deutsche Bank is a great company, I know that, and working with them is a joy (well it has its pains too, but I get by LOL). But what makes this company cooler aside from the cool people that are already in here, are the cool perks too!!! (Did I say the word ‘cool’ enough?)

So today, our boss sent us the latest perk made available by HR.

Cheap Tickets to the 3D Screening of Avengers at Greenbelt + Access to the Party at the Palladium Bar at the New World Hotel with free drinks and food= P150 ONLY!

TOTAL AMAZEBALLS!!!!!

(I never thought that I’d use that word and… Oh, sorry for rudely interrupting myself in such a constant manner.)

The smallest downfall however is that it’s a first come first serve thing. But heck, with the number of free seats available, boy, I know I can get in! We could get in! Me and my awesome team can get in! We’re actually on the lookout for the actual selling day, and if we don’t get those tickets, it’s going to be a war! And if not, Or they’ll just simply receive our resignation letters by the end of the day! LOL JK!

But there! I’m just so excited! This is going to be a war!!!!
I hope the abs of Thor are in 3D too. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.