…and he’s messing a LOT with my head. I never intended to go for a guy like him but he had a way with his words and his actions…. and naturally, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It’s funny, but the thought of him makes me feel more alive. He makes me want to try a broader sense of life. He makes me better. He doesn’t make me worse. He makes me try to be more ‘me’.

We might have started on the wrong foot but it really doesn’t matter. But I have to say that what’s making me feel numb and empty for the past days is that even if he’s going to come back to Manila to see me, like in a month’s time, the fact that he would have to leave the country still remains. He’s not from around here. And that sucks. A long distance relationship is tempting me but I wouldn’t try that. I don’t know if it’s just wishful thinking but I think this could turn out into something good. We’ll just have to wait and see. But damn. Come on, life, why do all the good ones have to be far away from me?

Now I’ve been saying this a lot but no, this ain’t love. It’s leading to that, but right now, it just isn’t for me. Love is too much of a strong word and I don’t want to use that yet.  I guess I just need someone like him—I’m not lonely; I just want his company, his presence, his stories, his laughter, and… just. Him. So what I have for him right now, I’m not so sure. But yes…

He’s all I ever think about.

I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet. You did that.
I wanted to be lost in love again or whatever comes close. You made me.

Now I’m scared of how this had turned out to be… I’m scared of how strong my feelings have become.

I know that there are those kinds of people who could jump in from one relationship to the next. There might have been sensible reasons why they did what they did and why they seem to be in such a rush, but most of the time I’d wonder… Did they even took the time to actually give their selves a time out?

I mean, love is a wonderful thing. I know that. But to constantly change partners in such a short span of time? …Sounds exhausting. It’s like, they haven’t even took the time to actually think about what happened, what they’ve done, what they’re doing, and what they’e about to go into. They just go… BAM! Hello to you, new boyfriend/girlfriend!

It’s common knowledge that most of these people just rush in to fill a void, to cure the numb feeling. Whatever works. But it’s just such a pity.

Turn the tables around—and there you’ll have those people who couldn’t find their way back into love. (*cue in Hugh Grant’s song here LOL*) Err… Haha! The overly  cautious ones. And well, it’s actually how I am right now. XD

Don’t get me wrong though. I’m all for love, really, and I’m willing to fall in love all over again—besides, I believe that I’m actually ready for a new guy. I’m even dating and meeting these really great and new people. But often times, even if I know that it could turn into a good thing, things would just keep on boiling right up to my face that I’d suddenly be at a loss. I’d lose direction.

It’s fucking complicated but it’s like everything gets so blurry and I’d realize that it would either be because I was still fearing the notion of love or I just don’t know what love really is anymore. Why do I fear…? Because I don’t want to get lost again—I don’t want to turn into a scary version of myself. I can’t find it in myself to just let go anymore. I don’t know. And it sucks because there’s this wonderful guy who could really turn into someone great for me. But I really, really, just don’t know… I just don’t know anymore. It’s like I’m sucked dry from giving my all for love. I’m just in it for the fun, so when things get serious… I backfire.

Yes, love… Once again. I’m falling out.