Lately, I have these recurring dreams. I have seen countless scenarios where we had a chance to talk like real adults—and certainly not like how you are now… not like this. Because right now, in real life, you scurry away, distance yourself, and act like some childish brat who holds his head high and puts pride in things that aren’t worth to be there in the first place. It’s pathetic. And it’s not right.

…Good thing my dreams made things (look/seem) right. It showed closure and moments where we would talk. And no, it wasn’t about getting back together; I’m glad that my dreams were as connected to how I feel now, because for us to be back together is something that I would never wish for. But what I do want to happen, as I am already saying, is for closure. Because at least in my dreams, there was a moment for us to really see if we could at least be decent friends, or not at all. At least we brought the curtains down. At least we talked. Talk. Talk. Talk. There were scenes where we shouted, where we called each other names, where we belittled each other, but always in the end… we understood, and we’d either part or remain friends. And that’s always the amazing part in all of those dreams that I had.

The moment that I wake up, I would always feel as though those dreams were real—and I hope they were. But then there’s no chance of that happening unless you stop being like the sorry excuse of a man that you are now. (AND LOL NO, I’M NOT BREWING UP TROUBLE HERE; what an idiot you are to avoid me as if I’m some crazy bitch). 

Nonetheless, I am thankful for those dreams, because in some way it settled my heart and my mind; they were false closures, yes… but at least, I have a picture of us talking. That is all.

Today, I had an intimate moment with a mirror—LOL OMG that sounded so bad!!! HAHAHAHA! Anyway… green jokes aside, I just have a few things to say for today because, a realization hit me. Again.

So here it goes.
Sometimes, I’ll look at myself and I’ll be in a state of shock—don’t worry, I’m not referencing on how I’m such a beautiful creature; though that’s actually a tempting thought. LOL.

Anyway. Yeah. I am often in ‘awe’ because I realize by and by just how much I’ve grown up. Not only on the outside, but inside as well. Like… really. If I try to recall the person that I was before, I would either start laughing or cursing. Because I was really naive. Immature. Reckless.

Yet I know that I have no right to say that I no longer have those characteristics now because it would only be my own perception… but I do know at least, that I am better.

Yet actually, I must say that I still have that inner darkness. A certain evil that I sometimes can’t control, making me do things that I would never be proud of… and I’m certainly afraid of that part of me. No matter how I try to be patient and kind, there’s always something that I might do or say. Well… Maybe it’s just me, it’s just how I am; acting haphazardly and rash as per usual. But it still bothers me—I can just about hear my friends’ joking commentary about how I should start praying already so that the devil would stop living in me. Haha!

It’s a comical thing to say but at times, I believe it. Besides, I’m not much of a religious person. I’m an agnostic even. But hey, I do believe in God. And maybe… and I guess, I should pray a lot more; believe a whole lot more. Don’t you think? No matter the case, we all have our own dark alter ego, our own crazy side… I know I’m not alone on this. However, the fact remains that I want to control this.

Anyhow, I love the ‘me’ that I am today. I really do; a love that is a whole lot bigger than the love that I had towards the ‘me’ from yesterday. LOL narcissism much?

-sigh-

It’s funny how life can beat us, twist us, break us and shit, that in return it makes us worse or makes us do something way out of our wits; but instead of getting defeated, most of us rather triumph and become better beings. Polished and fierce! …And I’m just simply happy that I’m one of those people. :)

…and yes, that was what the magic mirror told me. *bows*

/ends failed attempt at trying to be funny and serious at the same time

Sooo…. yeah.

HAHA! Anyway, I know I’ve been inactive for the past days—even weeks, but it’s not like I have a responsibility to be active because in the first place I don’t have such ardent followers. LOL. (Wait, what?) It’s just that I feel a bit down because I can’t update my social sites like I used to—and if I can’t update, I can’t ‘record’ my life and that’s… just such a waste! :|

So, in an effort to document my recent life events, let’s start it off with a cryptic shit: I’ve been undergoing a series of trainings recently for a reason that I can’t tell because it’s supposed to be a secret (meep) and through it, I met a lot of new people! Some are cool, some are weird, some are insanely rich, some are snotty even, but still nice all the same. This diversity makes it all the more interesting.

Yesterday, we had our last day in Antipolo MMLDC and we had a LOT of fun activities—though it was a bit disappointing because we can’t access the paintball and wall climbing facilities. BUT I SWEAR! The food was tops! A-class! YUM!

Now when the night came, we broke the rules, got into one room and started a drinking fest! (Boo-yah!) Haha! And this, ladies and gents, is where I start my story for this entry: At one point that night, this certain guy sat next to me while we were all playing a drunken game—WAIT, actually, in the first place I didn’t join ‘cause I simply didn’t want to; I was just in it to laugh at all the losers who have to do a consequence! :))

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They’re right. Experiences make or break you; and I’m thankful that my recent drastic ‘experience’ made me into the person that I am today… Better. Wiser. Stronger.

[ insert Christina Aguillera’s ‘Stronger’ song here ]

LOL. Jokes aside, I’m just happy because I realized in such a great extent that despite the awful ‘event’ that happened to me last February, I’m still here, getting along great in life. Sure it was a sad happening, but the good thing about it was that I’ve learned. A whole lot. And I’m thankful in more ways than one that I’ve somehow matured… and I even find it amazing how I’ve surpassed it.

Well… I regretted what happened, but if I were given the chance to turn back time to make things right… I would definitely decline the offer. Simply because a big part of me would still want that to happen—because if it didn’t happen or if I avoided it, then I wouldn’t have grown and moved on forward like this; I wouldn’t have gain these precious bits of realizations! You get my drift?

If I put it in a very cheesy statement, then: I feel like some kind of jewel, polished not into perfection—because perfection doesn’t exist—but polished in a way that’s acceptable and (thankfully) irreversible.

No matter the case, what I basically wanted to imply in this post is that… Sure, shit happens and bad things come by—rarely, occasionally, or even simultaneously. And it would suck! But the good side about it is that you’re still alive.

So when it happens to you, give yourself the time to grieve—you have that right. But you should know that it shouldn’t go on forever. That’s why after you let it all out… continue on living. Be thankful. Don’t hate. Try to be happy—be happy. You deserve to be. Besides, life is always a bitch and it plays you hard. We can’t avoid that. So just yield, yet still fight. Just turn the tough parts into learning experiences… and you’ll be fine.

You’ll definitely be.
It’s an ongoing struggle.
Tiring? Of course. But it would all be worth it.

/END. I feel like some sort of life consultant. LOL.

I know my issues. I know them well now… better than before.

And it is at this point that I have to remind myself that it’s about time that I  stop treating things as though they are some sort of competition.

I think this has developed into some kind of ‘habit’ for me ever since my mom started pushing me into things such as… competing with a classmate for a grade, competing with a schoolmate for a crown, competing with the whole school for an honor, competing with another girl for that fame and power, etc. etc. etc.

I’m not saying that my mom didn’t raise me well. It just so happens that these actions of her in the past ever since I was a kid had led me to this pattern… to how I am now… A girl who regards most of the things that come her way as a competition. May it be a person or thing or event.

I realized how troublesome it is. But. Oh well… I’m working on it. :)

I just lost a best friend… actually, was that person fit to be called as such? Nonetheless… I am certain that this pain remains and might sting for long because I certainly regarded that person as my best-est friend.

Sure, I’ve cried much over a failed relationship before and the remaining days after that was close to torture. But that pain can’t compare to how much I’ve cried over this certain friendship that is now being cut by thee said person who is supposed to be thee so-called best friend of mine…

Someone told me that you can NEVER lose a best friend because that person would never quit on you.

So does that mean that my best friend wasn’t even my best friend in the first place…? LOL WUT UP!

Anyway. Let’s just call this best friend as Stupid.

I don’t know the reason as to why Stupid settled into this firm decision; apparently for Stupid, I don’t deserve even the slightest bit of explanation. Bloody hell. If you ask me, this feeling that Stupid is putting me through mirrors the emotion that I’ve felt when I lost my grandmother… Meaning, that this ‘cutting-of-ties-shit’ that Stupid is doing oddly feels like Stupid is dead all of a sudden. I said ‘oddly’  because this is new for me; I’ve never had friends before that blatantly admitted that they don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.

…It’s just that… We’ve gone through so much. Stupid left a strong presence in my life and for Stupid to just nonchalantly throw all of those aside as if it’s ‘nothing’ makes me extremely angry… yet all the same sad.

It doesn’t make sense. Did I do such a criminal thing for Stupid to hate me so much that Stupid wouldn’t even want to see me ever again? I seriously can’t even point out a single severe blunder that I might have kept secret from Stupid because Stupid knows all of my faults. I’ve constantly admitted to Stupid the shortcomings that I’ve ever done to Stupid because I know that those things are something that I should apologize for.

I’ve kept myself open to Stupid like that because Stupid was one of the few people in my life that I’m determined to keep around for long up to the day that I’m wrinkled, grouchy, and old. Yet… Stupid’s leaving me, in his own will and it just fucking hurts me too much because I know that it’s not easy to just haphazardly develop another person into someone that could mimic the relationship that Stupid and I had. Especially since more than ever, I need people in my life right now who could be there for me…

As much as I want to make Stupid talk, I’m out of strength. I tried. I really did. But I’m exhausted. So… I’m letting go… I’ll just let Stupid come back to me if that’s what Stupid wishes for in the future—I’m not closing my doors because I really treasure Stupid. I really want Stupid to stay. I really do. But it’s turning into a hopeless case because I know Stupid well. Stupid is firm with whatever choice Stupid decides on.

…Dammit. It’s just too depressing to even think more about this one.
I don’t know if Stupid knows how I’m suffering right now.

I know. I know. This might be because Stupid’s incredibly angry at me for something that I’ve apparently done—but I’m willing to let Stupid know that I’m completely pissed, probably more than what Stupid feels.

Oh fuck it. I’ve just lost my boyfriend recently, now I’m losing my best-est friend too… what’s next, huh, life? My family? My life? Don’t go on a roll… Ugh. I don’t want to think about it.

I hope I’ll get over this. I WILL get over this. Soon, I hope.

…I’ll be missing you, Stupid.
Don’t knock yourself out. Good luck.

I guess this is why they say that it’s a really fucked up thing when you look back and recall the past. Yet thankfully, this one, was actually a good memory. Something that I miss.

But I actually feel thankful towards fate for giving us that—that last ‘spur’ of ‘us’. A one last picturesque moment where we at least had the chance to sense that fun and carefree vibe that we could achieve when we’re together—where for a moment, we forgot all of what we were fighting for… all of what we were feeling exhausted for.

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I’ve been saying that things are fine, but I guess… I have to take it back. Something happened and it was a way for life to slap me in the face and tell me that there’s more to it than what it seems. And that I have to stop.

I realized that even if I fight hard to make things okay or even seem okay between us, you still have that ability to hurt me and fuck things up… and I hate myself for letting you have that effect on me and my life, still, even up to this point. And you know what? I know the reason.

I care too much for you even now that we don’t have that special bond, but you on the other hand, don’t give a single flying fuck. We’re threading on friendship but you’re just throwing the word around, taking me for granted, and basically treating me like I’m no one for you. Like I’m some person who would always understand your immaturity and selfishness—which you don’t actually realize are two of your intense traits. Or like I’m that person who would never leave, who would just take things as it is with you, who would just say yes to your whims, who would be as accessible and disposable as you wish it may be. In short: Your fucking doormat.

Well fuck you. I’ve had enough of being shoved into that role in your life. I’m not willing to be any more than the stupid person that I am now to still continue and be that kind of ‘best friend’ for you, again and again and again. And from now on, I will never be. Not for you. And not for anyone else for that matter.

I’m just too exhausted, more than before, and I’m sick of this game you’re playing. I’m done doing all the effort for this shit we have—I’m even done explaining since you’re seemingly lacking the will to understand and to make things better.

So, I am sorry but I’m now taking a step back and out of your life. Because I don’t think that friendship is a one-man boat. It’s time that I give up and give you the chance to prove yourself—hah! As if you would even realize or do anything!

…But even if I’m giving up on this, I think that I’m still going to be that type of stupid who would pop out and be there for you when you’ll need a friend most. Man, you just don’t know how lucky you are.

1. Partied with my high school friends and old acquaintances last night at Manor, Eastwood! It was fun! And yes… eventful! Haha!
2. I love the bouncers. Absolutely. HAHA! They were so big yet cuddly-looking. And they were all in yellow!!! (LOL WTF?) My friends even said that I seem to be a regular at Manor by the way that I dealt with them but no way, Jose! Last night really was my first time at Manor! Haha! I just felt so… connected to them, you know? Like those tight invisible bonds. Man, I must have been a big burly dude in my past life… HAHAHAHA THE HELL! :))
3. My I.D. I really didn’t know why they laughed. It went like this:
   
   ME: *hands over I.D.*
   BOUNCER 1: *smiled*
   BOUNCER 2: *giggled* (yeah, giggled)
   ME: Hey! Why are you laughing?
   BOUNCER 2: Ahhh, haha…
   ME: Why???? What’s with my I.D.?
   BOUNCER 2: It’s nothing. You just look beautiful, ma’am.
   ME: *poker face* What. What? What!
   
   HAHAHAHA! I really don’t know. Okay? LOL. But what I do know is that that I.D. was the most decent ID I ever had. So I didn’t look like shit, yet why were they laughing? They are really boggling my mind. They must be playing with me. Yes. They must be… Oh god, I miss them all of a sudden. (HAHA! WHAT EVEN?)
4. Our ‘waiter’. I think I miss him too. HAHA! He was so nice! There was one time when my friends were deciding on what to order and I was just waiting there on the side for them to decide when he nudged me and said, “Ma’am, go on, keep on dancing!” And then he started urging me to dance some more! I laughed and we had a mini dance going on until my friends finally talked and ordered the drink. Gaaaaahd, that’s what I call superb customer service! :))
5. Korean dudes. I danced with this one tall good-looking Korean dude and I gave up talking to him ‘cause he clearly didn’t understand what I was saying. Anyway, it was fun dancing with him because I felt like I was dancing with a bubbly kid—no offense intended, okay?
6. Weng-weng. The ‘lightest’ weng-weng I’ve ever drank! :|
7. Richmond my other guy best friend accompanied me all the way home. Such a gentleman, yes!
8. Still and the same, I only go clubbing because I want to dance. I didn’t like drinking much, even if I actually wanted to. Wait, what?
9. I LOVE MY WADE HEELS! They helped me stay up, standing classy and shit for 6 straight freakin’ hours. Oh god. I love you so much.
10. Yeaaaah maaaan, this is the good life. I’m too tired to say anything more. All I know is that I had quality time with my friends last night and it was fuckin’ fun! It’s nice to think that all this time out I’ve been having is some sort of payoff for all the days I spent on studying and being so nerd-y and shit. :)) Aaaaaah, I love this. I really do.
    
    DANCING. PARTYING. GETTING SEMI-DRUNK. Love it! ♥♥♥
    Note-end: I can’t wait to party with my other guy best friend! PJ! I miss him and I wanna know how things will go when we’ll go out because we haven’t really gone out yet! :)) It will be nice, I bet. Aw, I can’t wait for August!!!

1. I HAD SO MUCH FUN TODAY AT DLSU!!!!!!
   Because firstly, I got to see my dear ol’ university again; secondly, I just love the festive feeling, and lastly, I got to see my awesome friends and blockmates once more… and holy shit(!!!) I can still feel the ‘happiness’ when I bonded with them and all that! UGH. I LOVE LIFE & BEING GREEN—yes, maybe that can be a double meaning too. LOL.
2. Concert & fireworks. Nope. Didn’t see much of that! I mostly spent time frolicking around the place with my friends, taking pictures, being pigs (both at food and at fooling around) and being such ultimate wackos and shiz. As for the fireworks—even the paper lanterns, well I left early so… yeah.
3. And come on, the concert at the TYA was worth P500. And it’s no news that I’m broke—my blockmates are of the same state too. Oh, the joy of being unemployed. *salute*
4. I loved the still-actors at the diff. areas of the school. Like I said, me and my blockmates practically made FULL use of them! Harlequin Theatre Guild, you rock! We’ve now got a lot of funny pictures to flaunt at Facebook. LOL.
5. B A N G K E T A. Seriously! There were SO many people!!!! The sea of green was a fabulous sight, but the heat and the throng can really get on my nerves—I mean it did.
6. Catching up. I still can’t get over as to how I enjoyed spending time with my blockmates. I got to catch up with them and got to know a lot more about their life updates—and they got to know mine too which took most of them by surprise. (I didn’t know that a LOT of my blockmates were not informed of my break-up but anyway. Haha!) And also, I realized that I was such a handful today! I kept on babbling and laughing and talking! NONSTOP! :))
7. Live it up! So there was one part at the afternoon concert where froshies danced along to this song AND I WAS ITCHING TO GO ALONG WITH THEM! But… finesse and class overruled. Yeah. Definitely. LOL. Okay fine. The heat was actually the one that overruled so I didn’t bother. :))
8. What do you call that big man figure that dances with the wind blown into it? I really don’t know what it’s called. But we had fun learning some serious badass dance moves just by watching it!!! LMAO.
9. HOT MEN ALERT! But then I realized they were younger, much younger, than me… *sad face* LOL.
10. Animo La Salle!

It’s cool to know that today was even actually the opening date for the Green Lantern—well ain’t it such a green day? Haha. We originally planned to watch it but we decided to stay at school instead for the rest of the day.