…and he’s messing a LOT with my head. I never intended to go for a guy like him but he had a way with his words and his actions…. and naturally, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It’s funny, but the thought of him makes me feel more alive. He makes me want to try a broader sense of life. He makes me better. He doesn’t make me worse. He makes me try to be more ‘me’.

We might have started on the wrong foot but it really doesn’t matter. But I have to say that what’s making me feel numb and empty for the past days is that even if he’s going to come back to Manila to see me, like in a month’s time, the fact that he would have to leave the country still remains. He’s not from around here. And that sucks. A long distance relationship is tempting me but I wouldn’t try that. I don’t know if it’s just wishful thinking but I think this could turn out into something good. We’ll just have to wait and see. But damn. Come on, life, why do all the good ones have to be far away from me?

Now I’ve been saying this a lot but no, this ain’t love. It’s leading to that, but right now, it just isn’t for me. Love is too much of a strong word and I don’t want to use that yet.  I guess I just need someone like him—I’m not lonely; I just want his company, his presence, his stories, his laughter, and… just. Him. So what I have for him right now, I’m not so sure. But yes…

He’s all I ever think about.

I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet. You did that.
I wanted to be lost in love again or whatever comes close. You made me.

Now I’m scared of how this had turned out to be… I’m scared of how strong my feelings have become.

I know that there are those kinds of people who could jump in from one relationship to the next. There might have been sensible reasons why they did what they did and why they seem to be in such a rush, but most of the time I’d wonder… Did they even took the time to actually give their selves a time out?

I mean, love is a wonderful thing. I know that. But to constantly change partners in such a short span of time? …Sounds exhausting. It’s like, they haven’t even took the time to actually think about what happened, what they’ve done, what they’re doing, and what they’e about to go into. They just go… BAM! Hello to you, new boyfriend/girlfriend!

It’s common knowledge that most of these people just rush in to fill a void, to cure the numb feeling. Whatever works. But it’s just such a pity.

Turn the tables around—and there you’ll have those people who couldn’t find their way back into love. (*cue in Hugh Grant’s song here LOL*) Err… Haha! The overly  cautious ones. And well, it’s actually how I am right now. XD

Don’t get me wrong though. I’m all for love, really, and I’m willing to fall in love all over again—besides, I believe that I’m actually ready for a new guy. I’m even dating and meeting these really great and new people. But often times, even if I know that it could turn into a good thing, things would just keep on boiling right up to my face that I’d suddenly be at a loss. I’d lose direction.

It’s fucking complicated but it’s like everything gets so blurry and I’d realize that it would either be because I was still fearing the notion of love or I just don’t know what love really is anymore. Why do I fear…? Because I don’t want to get lost again—I don’t want to turn into a scary version of myself. I can’t find it in myself to just let go anymore. I don’t know. And it sucks because there’s this wonderful guy who could really turn into someone great for me. But I really, really, just don’t know… I just don’t know anymore. It’s like I’m sucked dry from giving my all for love. I’m just in it for the fun, so when things get serious… I backfire.

Yes, love… Once again. I’m falling out.

Me: WHOA. WHOA. WHOAAAAA! You have a tattoo??
Him: Yeah, why? Why are you so surprised?
Me: You look like a freakin’ goody-goody guy! I wouldn’t expect you to have a tattoo!
Him: Well… I’m sorry to disappoint you. Haha!
Me: I’m not disappointed!!!! NOT AT ALL! Now tell me… What does it mean?
Him: Well… it represents three countries that I’ve been in the most. Panama, Australia, and France—
Me: What in the… you’re like a mishmash of the countries that I’ve been dying to be in!
Him: Jealous?
Me: YES. AND HOLYSHIT. Wait. France???
Him: Yeah. I was born there.
Me: *in hysterics* OH MY GOD! SPEAK IN FRENCH! SPEAK NOW! NOW! NOW!
Him: *laughing* *speaks a line in French*
Me: FUCK! I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT BUT! It sounds so fucking good!
Him: *laughs even more*
Me: Stop laughing! This is the first time that I had to hear it live!!! SO SPEAK MORE!!
Him: *still laughing; but still said another line*
Me: Now what does that mean..?
Him: It means that you’re beautiful.
Me: *laughs* Bullshit. How would I even know? Haha! Okay, I’m kidding. But just one more, please?
Him: *said a ridiculously long speech in French*
Me: Whoa… what does that mean!?
Him: *sticks his tongue out*
Me: That is so unfair! I should have recorded that!
Him: Sucks for you. *pulled me in for a hug*
Me: I have to say though that you looked like a Filipino dude when I first met you.
Him: Mademoiselle, please shut up and hug me back!
Me: Oh my gaaahd, say ‘mademoiselle’ again!!!
Him: Hug me back already.
Me: *mumbles* What a needy French dude.
Him: *laughs*

I still can’t get over last weekend’s events! You know those times when you try to recall all the wonderful things that someone has done to you? Because they were great and wonderful memories? Like you don’t want to forget them? And by remembering those, you get all giddy and smitten, and you just can’t seem to stop thinking about it!?

Well that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling! It’s not exactly related to love though… It can be. But I’d like to think not. I mean, just… no. Err. Whatever. But anyway… Haha! Sometimes, certain scenes would pop into my mind and I’ll be all, “Oh yeaaaaah. That happened too!”  And I get all fuzzy inside again. ♥

I didn’t know what we were laughing about. But what I do know was that we were having fun. We were teasing each other, sharing stories, spending time away as if nothing else mattered. Even the awesome time that we had with our friends had somehow paled in comparison.

Everything was… as they say: close to perfect.

And then, at one point, he stopped laughing. He held my gaze with a contented look in his eyes. 

“I like you,” he said with a gentle smile.
Now I didn’t expect that.

A lot of thoughts started to run through my head, thoughts that could take me miles away from him. But then… I told myself to stop. I’ve decided. May this be false or not, I won’t ever be sure—but I knew that the moment was right.

I smiled back and muttered, “I like you too.”

And I meant it. I wouldn’t lie. Why would I, when he gives me much of a freedom to be ‘me’.

He leaned in for a kiss and I kissed him back. Slowly, I laid my head on his chest. I know our time would soon end even if I didn’t want it to… But even with that fall, it was by far, one of my greatest memories with him.