I didn’t know what we were laughing about. But what I do know was that we were having fun. We were teasing each other, sharing stories, spending time away as if nothing else mattered. Even the awesome time that we had with our friends had somehow paled in comparison.

Everything was… as they say: close to perfect.

And then, at one point, he stopped laughing. He held my gaze with a contented look in his eyes. 

“I like you,” he said with a gentle smile.
Now I didn’t expect that.

A lot of thoughts started to run through my head, thoughts that could take me miles away from him. But then… I told myself to stop. I’ve decided. May this be false or not, I won’t ever be sure—but I knew that the moment was right.

I smiled back and muttered, “I like you too.”

And I meant it. I wouldn’t lie. Why would I, when he gives me much of a freedom to be ‘me’.

He leaned in for a kiss and I kissed him back. Slowly, I laid my head on his chest. I know our time would soon end even if I didn’t want it to… But even with that fall, it was by far, one of my greatest memories with him.

I didn’t want to look him in the eye or else, I’ll feel guilty.
I didn’t want to say another word, but he urged me.

“Why? Why can’t we? You’re so bent on having all this time for yourself that it’s ridiculous!”

“What are you—?”

“I know it okay! I know that you need someone like me, you just don’t want to fucking admit it!”

That pissed me off, “Fine! Yes! I want someone like you! But I won’t be with you! Are you happy now? Can we move on?”

“No! Because you haven’t answered my question!” He punched the wheel and then gripped it hard. That made me flinch. “Why?”

I stared back at him.

“Fucking hell. Why is it that you want this answer so much?! It’s not like I owe you an explanation!” I felt my blood curl.

“Yes you do. I can’t keep on going like this. I can’t!”

I bit my lip, “Stop this! Stop! I’m not leading you into anything! I already said my case! Stop this!”

“I won’t… Just… please.”  He closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and exhaled heavily. He looked at me again, but this time, a softer glare. “Just please… tell me so that I’ll know.”

I kept quiet.

“Come on…”

“I…” I gulped.

“Please…”

“I want to! I really want to!” I finally cried out in frustration. “But I can’t because I’m still haunted by all these things! I look at your friends, I look at your past, and the same stupid me would crawl back in! Now that’s when I know for myself that I’m not ready for this! And fine, I admit that I’m lonely! He makes me lonely and I know I have you and that you could easily take this pain away! But I don’t want to rush into you like that. I’m not like that! I don’t want to feel as if I’m using you. I don’t want to—”

I stopped when I felt his hand slip into mine, “Then use me!”

“What—?”

“I don’t care. As long as I’ll be yours, then so be it.”

I was taken aback and I all I could do was watch when he started to lean in.

“This is sick. This is ridiculous.”

He flashed me a smile and as if on cue, we started to laugh. “That was intense.”

“And you’re really fucking stupid… You really fucking are.” I managed to mumble before everything started to swirl.

“They’re taking too damn long…” I heard you grumble. I was peacefully watching the city lights and the streets below us, but when you spoke, I shifted my gaze and looked sideways, hiding a smile. I’ve never fancied waiting for this long, but from the two of us, you were a lot more impatient and somehow… I found a certain joy in that.

Picking up my cup, I took a long sip. “You broke the silence,” I finally said foolishly.

At first your brows furrowed, but when you started to chuckle, I knew that you understood. “It’s not like we’re short on comfortable silences. Why… were we on a roll?”

I playfully looked at my wrist acting as though I had a watch, “Yep. An hour or so.”

You brushed strands of your hair away from your face, “Next time, I’d like to break our record.” I laughed as I remembered how we spent almost two hours of silence in this same coffee shop, waiting for the same friends.

“Let’s hope not. That was too long. But I can’t believe that we’re waiting for them again—”

“That’s right!”

I raised an eyebrow, “What’s ‘right’?” An amused smirk spread across your lips and I knew right away that you were up to something. I watched you jump out of your seat and before I knew it, we were already inside an elevator with the number ‘28’ shining at us glaringly; that number brings back memories.

I was about to say something but I felt you squeeze my hand… surprisingly, that was the only time that I realized that we were actually holding hands. I looked at you and you gave me a wide grin, looking like a kid who was about to show a surprise. “They’re going to look for us, you know,” I mentioned in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Then they will.”
“Where are we going?” Though I actually knew where.
“And who are you and what did you do to my friend?”

I tried not to giggle but failed, “Fine.”

At last, we reached the top floor and a wide but well-lit empty space full of big glass windows greeted us—it was a really good place where I could see the whole city in full view. We’ve been here before. “I thought this place would be an office by now?”

“Duh. Apparently not.“ You playfully rolled your eyes at me and I punched your arm in return. We crossed the room slowly and then you pushed a door open, sending a strong gust of wind across our faces. Still, you kept on pulling that finally, you had me at the edge of the balcony. “Whoa,” I exclaimed, “Too close! Too close!”

You laughed at me teasingly, “You big sissy. Now look.”

I hesitated.
But…

I quickly realized that I didn’t want to waste that moment. There might not be a third time around, so… I shook my fears away, took two more steps, and leaned forward. And I’m glad I did, because it was the same breath-taking view that I would never want to miss—better than what I could see down the cafe.

I smiled to myself as I looked at all the numerous splashes of colored lights, spread out like jewels across one vast darkness. Seeing the city like this instantly made me feel that same familiar feeling; that feeling where I know that I’m in the right place… that I’m at home.

It’s no news that I’m a night person and these city lights always—[i]would always[/i]—make me feel this way. I was clearly enjoying myself, so once again, silence passed us by yet all too suddenly, I felt your hand slip away from mine.

That rather took me by mild surprise. By instinct, I turned to my right to look at your face and I found you looking back at me with a warm smile. I smiled too and then turned back again to the scenery.

…Everything felt right.
So usually, when it does, I would always find myself humming a tune.

“Boston by Augustana, huh?” You asked as I started humming and I nodded.
Within seconds, you hummed along; you even playfully acted as though you were playing the piano part.

…Minutes passed and we finished the song.

A strong wind passed once more and this time, it carried your scent; your scent that I know too well and which I really loved. Or should I specifically say, perfume? You use different perfumes from time to time that I’ve already lost track of their names, but I always found comfort in it. I’ve even met a lot of people who have the same scent, but when it comes from you, it oddly smells… special, unique, and nice. For a moment, I half-hoped that another wind would come by.

Or maybe I could just lean in closer…

“Hey…” You uttered softly but with a hint of anxiety, stopping me from my thoughts. By that one word alone, my mind became fully aware and it knew instantly as to what would happen next just by the tone of your voice—I really knew right away what you were about to say.

So before you could say any thing further, I spoke up. “…Don’t.”

You were surprised. I know you’d be. But… I shook my head. “Don’t say it.”
I showed you a gentle smile; the best that I could. “Please…”

“Don’t.”

For a fleeting moment I saw something that tugged my heart, but you quickly smiled at me. Reassuring me with that same look that tells me that you understood.

You took one step forward. Slowly and lightly, you kissed my forehead, “Okay…” you whispered.

“I’m—”

“Don’t say it.” You pulled back, sticking out your tongue.
It was an abrupt mood change but still… I started to laugh.

When my laughter died down, we shared a look. I knew that it was right, and I think you knew it too. “Now come on…” you said. “I guess we should go back.”

I didn’t know if that carried a double meaning. But I looked down at the hand that you were offering and gladly took it, “Okay.”
And then that was that…